


Around the Block

by TonySawicki



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Bisexuality, Introspection, M/M, Self-Doubt, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-21 22:43:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9569987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki
Summary: Kyo is forced to examine his feelings for Die when he becomes aware of how he feels musically connected to him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is very much fiction and I neither own Dir en grey nor believe their lives are necessarily anything like this.  
> I mean heck, how should I know what Kyo's lyric-writing process is like sheesh.  
> But hello everyone! I've been so unproductive and when I come back I bring you... this. It's not really as fun as some of my other things, and it was honestly really hard to write, but I guess maybe I kind of had to write it. For myself, and I guess for Kyo.  
> I hope you can enjoy it anyway! I'll try to be better about posting.

It wasn’t a block. No, Kyo didn’t _get_ blocks. Everything flowed out of him endlessly, and it wasn’t always pretty, but he never struggled to just put his pen to paper and let any inner turmoil form itself into words. And yet here he was with yet another line crossed out in the notebook in front of him. 

He adjusted his headphones and went to play the next track that had been submitted as a potential new song for the band. He listened to the demo with his eyes closed, but no inspiration came to him and when it finished he let the next track play. Something in this one seemed to reverberate through his ribcage, the chord changes pressing against him in all the right ways. Halfway through he started singing, the words coming naturally, nonexistent harmonies filling themselves in as he went. He didn’t pay much attention to what he was singing just automatically scribbled the words down and then started the track over to see what he made of them the second time through.

As the music started again, he looked down at the lyrics he’d written and scanned them in his head. He grimaced and ended up ripping the page out of the notebook and crumpling it before the song even ended. 

It wasn’t a _block_ per se, because he could still _write_. Just everything he wrote was _wrong_. None of it was the world view he wanted to express, it was all some kind of squishy bullshit about longing and _hoping_ and growing closer and he didn’t even know where it was all coming from because it wasn’t something he generally noticed himself thinking.

He wondered if it was something the piece of music itself had brought out of him, and went to check who had sent that track. Even after all this time he couldn’t really tell stylistically which of his bandmates was most likely to have written something, and he didn’t pay any attention to that kind of thing when he was listening and writing at this stage. But if it was really the music that was expressing this wrong type of world view, then maybe he would need to bring it up with whomever had submitted it.

He narrowed his eyes as he brought up the sender of the submission in question: _Die_. While he was at it, he checked the other two tracks that had given him the same trouble lately, and found they were both from Die also. Clearly this was some kind of _Die_ problem; he just wasn’t writing the right kind of music.

Kyo felt immediately guilty for even thinking that. Of course it wasn’t a Die problem. His music was fine, it was beautiful and intriguing just like it always was, and the issue lay very much with Kyo and his ability to dispense appropriate lyrics.

With a growl of frustration, he took off his headphones and threw them down on his desk, leaning back in his chair. So what was wrong with him? Why were these the only lyrics he could get to come out? And why was it that the only music for which he could seem to get even these ones out was Die’s? He rubbed his hands over his face and looked at the clock on his laptop. It was just nearing six in the morning and he was not making the progress he’d meant to. He pushed himself up out of his chair and went to the front door, hitting his pockets to make sure he had his phone, wallet, and keys. Slipping on a jacket and shoes, he headed out into the dark, still morning and locked the door behind him.

He started down the stairs to the street level and let himself settle into his mind. When he had woken up at four in the morning and been unable to fall back asleep he’d gotten up to work on lyrics, and usually that worked, but not this time, and he had to admit to that and examine what was not working for him. As his feet hit the sidewalk he looked around, trying to decide which direction to go. The air was heavy and cold, a dampness hanging in it that spoke of a fall of rain not far off. He took out his sunglasses and put them on, despite it being pitch dark out, and let his feet carry him without thinking too hard about where they were going.

Of course, he had written lyrics with that kind of theme before; he would make no denial that love and longing were a prominent part of the human experience as well as of his own personal pain, and wanting the unreachable had certainly featured significantly in a number of his writings. Still, it wasn’t the story he wanted to tell right now. He didn’t want to make something so _soft_ , and he needed to address why it was only happening when he heard _Die’s_ music.

The other band members obviously all submitted things as well, and he didn’t have a problem with any of theirs, but it also wasn’t inspiring him. It was like he only really _connected_ with Die’s melodies, but that connection also only motivated him to write something uncomfortably… _romantic_ , if he was being honest. He scowled as he walked, clenching and unclenching his hands inside his jacket pockets. _All right, Kyo, time to just think the words you know are there_.

Maybe this was something he had been ignoring for a while. Rather _actively_ ignoring. For years, he had had unsatisfying relationships with women that generally ended because she couldn’t seem to accept what the music was to him, that it was more than a _job_ , and honestly worth more than just about any physical thing in this world, including the _people_ he cared about. It was an unfortunate reality that he had come to accept, that it wasn’t something other people could really understand, and that there was a type of chemistry that existed on another level and was always going to be lacking in these relationships.

But there was a limited selection of people with whom that chemistry might not be lacking, people who might understand when he tried to explain how music flowed through his veins like his own blood, who might hear him talk about valuing his art more than his life and not doubt his seriousness or write him off as some kind of pretentious asshole, even if he was a little. Maybe someone with whom he had that connection… shouldn’t be ignored.

Still, music’s not enough to build a relationship. It could be a piece of the foundation, but there needs to be more. For love to work, there needs to be mutual trust and respect, there needs to be understanding, there needs to be communication. A lover should be someone you can laugh with, someone who can pull you up from your own depths, and for whom you can do the same. Love should be a light in darkness.

Kyo stopped at a corner before crossing the street. Turning his head slightly to the right, he was unable to keep his face from cracking into a full-on grin as he took in the sight: fat brushstrokes of cloud splashing carelessly out across a pink sky. He lifted his sunglasses to better admire the sunrise, breathing in the air of a day just breaking. Then he let his eyes close as he allowed himself to admit the feelings he’d been carrying around just at the base of his skull for a while now. 

It was Die. Die was that light, Die made Kyo feel safe and inspired and helped him to smile when he didn’t think he had it in him. That connection was stronger than it had been, maybe with anyone before. Kyo breathed a sigh of relief as he put his sunglasses back in place and crossed the street. It felt good to acknowledge it. His feelings were there and they were real and he didn’t have to deny them to himself anymore.

He was almost laughing at himself as he walked now, feeling so much lighter than he had in months. The sky was brightening and he was in _love_ and how rare and beautiful a thing was that?

As if on cue, he saw the first few drops landing on the sidewalk in front of him before he turned his face upwards just as the rain started to come down hard. It was some cosmic reminder: _You can’t have Die_. He came to a stop, and just stood in the downpour for a minute as the lightness and relief drained out of him, as he allowed himself to accept that it didn’t _matter_ if he’d realized he was in love with his bandmate. Die was straight, and it was never going to happen. He would always be one more unreachable desire, and there wasn’t anything Kyo could even do to change that.

He started walking again and crossed at the next corner, making his way back towards home. He’d found the pain he needed to write what he wanted; he could get those lyrics done now.

 

* * *

 

 

Kyo left the stage after the encore in high spirits. It had been, all things considered, an excellent live. There had been no real errors on his part, and if anyone else in the band had slipped up it had been small enough that even Kyo hadn’t noticed it; he thought he could ride the high of this satisfactory show for the rest of the night, if not the rest of the _week_.

Someone backstage took his in-ears, and another person handed him a towel. He thanked them as he accepted it, patting his face dry and then just pausing and letting himself feel good, as he knew it was always too short-lived. When everyone else had found their way off stage he fell into step behind Die as they made they long trek through the venue back to the dressing rooms. Kyo’s mind began to wander as they walked and he watched Die saying something to Shinya. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, but Die was laughing—Didn’t he always seem to be laughing about something? Kyo felt the pressure on his heart that had become utterly familiar in the months since he’d finally identified his feelings for Die, and sighed.

He hadn’t said anything to Die about it, of course. Even Kyo wasn’t masochistic enough for that conversation, and so he’d accepted a kind of suffocating loneliness that came with his disinterest in dating anyone else. Knowing the kind of connection he felt with Die, anything less seemed unbelievably dissatisfying, and he’d given up trying to date anyone at all. Instead, he watched Die like this, a few steps behind, never quite in on the joke, but telling himself it was nice to see him laughing.

At least he got to share this with him, the band, the music. Something stronger than he had with just about anyone else, and certainly more lasting. Almost by coincidence, many of Kyo’s happiest moments were spent with Die, up on that stage like tonight, one of the parts of his life that he really _enjoyed_ , and Die was right there alongside him, enjoying it too. Or, Kyo was pretty sure Die enjoyed it too. Doubt began to creep in, fraying the edges of his mentality, and by the time they reached the dressing room, his good mood had dissipated into nothing. It always happened and he supposed he shouldn’t really be surprised by it; the way the swirling doubts and negative thoughts seemed to cloud over everything else until he couldn’t remember why he’d thought he was happy in the first place.

He stopped in the dressing room just long enough to wordlessly grab what he needed and head off to shower, letting his mind drag him down deeper with the solitude. As he undressed and started the water running he shook his head over how stupid he was being. Weren’t lives always just a self-indulgent charade? What, like Die was enjoying himself too? Probably he was just too _nice_ to admit that he hated being there, that he didn’t get anything out of it. And the fans, too, were just being polite, when really the only one who was actually having a good time was Kyo. He scrubbed a bit too harshly, reddening the skin on his arms and chest. How selfish was he being, letting everyone carry on this way, just because it was something he liked doing, just because being on stage was, for Kyo, the place he felt most honest and whole, and had the most _fun_? It wasn’t enough of a reason to make everyone else suffer.

Kyo finished his shower quickly and headed back to the dressing room, still a little bogged down by his own negativity, wondering what would be the most direct way to suggest that the band stop giving concerts altogether, since no one really liked them. Only Die was in the dressing room when he got there, sitting with his feet propped up on the makeup counter, looking at something on his phone. He glanced up when Kyo came in, offering a low-pressure “otsukare” as Kyo situated himself in front of the mirror to take out his contact lenses. Kyo nodded and returned the sentiment, and then sighed a bit more deeply than he meant to.

Die raised an eyebrow, looking at Kyo in the mirror. “You all right?”

Kyo shrugged as he filled the contact travel case with solution. “Just thinking about the band… maybe it’s time for us to… I dunno, stop with the lives or something, since no one’s that into them anyway,” he muttered.

Die blinked at him and dropped his hand holding his phone down to his lap. “You’re joking right? Like this is one of your weird jokes?”

Kyo shrugged again.

“Dude. This is just your head messing with you.”

Kyo finished getting his second contact out and rubbed at his eyes. “Maybe.”

“No, _definitely_. I know how it is; my head messes with me too.”

“Why are you still hanging around?” Kyo asked as he moved to put the contact case and solution back into his bag.

“Shinya and I are gonna go drinking, but he’s in the shower still,” Die said, picking up his phone again.

Kyo nodded, vaguely remembering passing Shinya on his way back to the dressing room. He wanted to say something more to Die, but there wasn’t anything particularly to say. Before he had time to come up with something, Die was talking again.

“In all seriousness, you know you were amazing tonight, right? Like you know that,” Die said without looking up.

“I guess I was fine,” Kyo said.

“You guess? You were just out there! That was a fucking phenomenal live!” Die said.

“I don’t really remember it, though,” Kyo said, sitting down in a chair in front of the counter. “Like I was there and I did it. I’d remember if I’d really screwed anything up, but… I don’t remember the being onstage part that well after it’s happened.”

Die gave him a somewhat incredulous look and then said. “C’mere.” When Kyo hesitated, Die gestured, tugging an empty chair up next to him, and said firmly, “Get your ass over here.”

Kyo slouched over and sat down, looking at Die expectantly, and Die thrust his phone into his hands. Kyo looked down at it and saw that he had a website pulled up, some kind of fan forum. His stomach turned. He never liked to read things the fans were saying; it always just made him feel worse, and he was about to push the phone back towards Die but he wouldn’t have any of it.

“Just read some of the thread titles,” Die suggested.

Kyo pursed his lips and scrolled through them, reading a few.

_Just got back from the concert— AMAZING!!_

_Saw DIR EN GREY live… I can die happy now_

_HOW DO THEY STILL LOOK SO FUCKING GOOD WHAT IS HAPPENING_

_Can’t wait to see them again!!!!_

He felt his cheeks burning up a little, knowing that Die was watching him. “I guess… maybe the fans like the shows then…” he said quietly.

“You know they do,” Die said. “Besides I don’t even want to think about what the rest of us would do without the concerts. I love being up there with you guys, more than just about anything!” He stood up to pull on his jacket that was draped over the back of his chair.

Kyo was embarrassed and hit the back arrow on Die’s phone. When nothing happened, he hit it a few more times, and suddenly it went all at once, taking him back to the page that Die had apparently been on before he handed the phone to Kyo. A page that appeared to be…

Gay porn??

Or it was tasteful, but it certainly seemed to be a lot of men in romantic embraces and states of undress. Kyo’s mouth dropped open and he felt that little flutter of hope kick over inside him, stuttering like a dying engine.

“Die— are… are you gay?” he asked awkwardly.

Die snorted. “What? No.” 

Just like that the hope snuffed out, like Kyo had run face-first into a wall of bricks. Die leaned over his shoulder to see what he’d found on his phone and snatched it out of his hand with a smirk.

“Bisexual,” he said casually.

Somehow that was only more shocking to Kyo’s system and he took a minute before he could say anything. “Oh,” he managed finally. After another moment he said, “Me too.”

Die jerked his gaze up from his phone back to Kyo’s face. “Wait, seriously?”

Kyo swallowed, nodded. “But uh, I… haven’t… exactly told a lot of people, so maybe…”

“I’m not gonna out you to anyone, god,” Die said quickly. “But no shit? I’m honestly moved that you told _me._ Who else knows?”

“Well,” Kyo said, rubbing his hand over the back of his hair. “As of now? Uh… Me?”

Die stared at him. “What… Are you saying I’m the _first_ person you’ve told??”

“Only person, yeah,” Kyo said. “Not particularly planning on… telling a bunch of people.” Kyo wasn’t really planning on telling _anyone_ else. He only cared about Die so he didn’t really think there was anyone else he needed to know.

“Kyo,” Die said, coming to sit down by him and grabbing his hand a bit forcefully. “This is a big deal! Congratulations!!”

“On what?”

“Coming out!! Should we celebrate? Come get drinks with me and Shinya! Or I’ll cancel, and you and I can just go celebrate!” Die said, grinning from ear to ear.

It was so tempting that it almost hurt, but Kyo shook his head and reclaimed his hand. He didn’t really want Shinya questioning why he was being canceled on, and he doubted Die’s idea of celebrating was something he’d really enjoy anyway. “I do appreciate the offer, but I don’t think tonight… Maybe another time.”

“Ah yeah, you probably have some bento from the conbini waiting for you with your name on it,” Die said, cheekily. “All right then, but if you ever want me to hook you up with someone, I have met some great guys—”

“Oh my god, Die, no—”

“Or we should go to some clubs sometime! I can at least show you my favorites!”

“What are you talking about?” Kyo said. “You remember this is _me_ right?”

Die frowned a little. “Kyo, you’re an interesting person.”

“Thank you?” Kyo stood up to shift things around in his bag, mostly just for something to do with his hands.

“I mean, from watching you onstage, one would surmise that you’re… very sexual. But I don’t see you dating anyone, generally.”

Kyo shrugged with just his eyebrows, indicating that he wasn’t making any argument.

“I get the feeling that with you,” Die said, head tilted as he studied him. “Trust would be really important. And you find it difficult to _trust_ most people, so relationships don’t always get that far.”

Kyo didn’t say anything, couldn’t find any real fault in Die’s assessment.

“But you’re such a sexual person… How do you even manage?” Die said in disbelief.

Kyo offered him a dubious half-smile. “I manage.”

“So you don’t need me going through my address book, trying to get you laid?”

“Definitely not,” Kyo said, zipping his bag closed again.

“But we can still hang out! Sorry if I seem overly eager, but it’s kind of exciting to have this kind of connection with someone in the band, you know? I can’t really talk about this kind of stuff with, like, Kaoru, for example,” Die said.

_Great_ , Kyo thought. _Just what I need, another connection with Die._

But then, where was the real issue? Die was apparently interested, at least sometimes, in men. There was a _chance_ , so shouldn’t Kyo be pursuing it? Still he couldn’t find it in himself to let himself _hope_ like that. So he nodded and assured Die that they could get together soon to celebrate his coming out, and then he slipped his bag over his shoulder and left the venue for the night.

 

Die was enthusiastic and persistent, and although he may not have gotten _quite_ the coming out celebration he’d envisioned, he and Kyo did start spending more time together than they had in all the time they’d known each other. Kyo didn’t drink and wasn’t really interested in meeting people, so they tended to skip bars or clubs, but they’d get breakfast or go see a movie together. Once Die took Kyo to his favorite little independent LGBT bookstore, and Kyo was stunned by the quiet and the warmth of it. 

An yet, through it all, they were nothing more than friends. Every day Kyo would re-ignite and re-smother that little flare of hope that this could grow into something, but the truth was that Die had never so much as put an arm around Kyo while they watched a movie. He’d call him to talk about random stuff, and they spent a lot of time just hanging out, but it was casual and it was friendly; there was nothing remotely romantic or sexual about it, and even though that kind of hurt, Kyo couldn’t complain. He was happy to have that extra connection, a shared identity that seemed to be the thing that brought him and Die this much closer, and he was happy to spend so much time around him, getting to see him happy.

Things being as they were, it was no terrible surprise when, a few months since Kyo had come out, Kyo received a text from Die, saying he was in the neighborhood and wanted to drop by Kyo’s place. It was late, but Kyo was always up late anyway, and he never minded having Die for company so he texted back without much thought: _Of course, come on over. Should I cook something?_

It was more of a surprise when, just minutes after sending the text, Kyo heard a knock at his door, and found, when he answered it, Die, grinning, and rather drunk.

“That was fast,” Kyo said, ushering Die into his apartment.

“I was basically already here when I texted you,” Die admitted. He wobbled slightly as he removed his shoes and put on the guest slippers, but he wasn’t so far gone that he was slurring his words, Kyo noted gratefully.

“So then… what brings you here?” Kyo asked. He pushed the sliding door from the genkan to the living room fully open so Die could follow him as he headed for the couch and sat down.

“Was out, drinking,” Die said with a shrug. He flopped down on the couch, half-facing Kyo. “But I think people were starting to get annoyed with me, so I slipped off earlier than usual and found myself here!”

Kyo managed not to roll his eyes. It was no mystery how someone could get annoyed with Die when he’d been drinking, all giggles and touching and such excessive, _loud_ talking that Kyo grimaced just thinking about it. “I’m gonna get you some water. Have you eaten?” he said, pushing himself up from the couch.

“I ate, earlier,” Die said vaguely.

Kyo poured Die a glass of water from a pitcher in the fridge and pulled a box of crackers out of his cupboard before coming back to the living room. He set everything down on the coffee table in front of Die, and curled himself up on the couch again. 

“Thanks,” Die said, finally looking a little embarrassed. He drank half the glass of water and opened the crackers. Kyo watched approvingly as he started to eat.

“Any interesting crowd tonight?” Kyo asked, tipping his head to the side and getting settled in comfortably.

“Not really, just the usual,” Die said.

As Die talked a little bit more about who was out tonight and something someone or other had said, Kyo only half-listened. He let a slow smile drift onto his face as he felt so peaceful, so at ease. He thought life could be okay like this, _he_ could be okay. Just hearing Die’s voice, being close to him, knowing Die was safe and eating and within arm’s reach… This could really be enough.

Never one to let him alone for long, that old devil doubt came in, slamming Kyo up against a wall of his own thoughts. _Could_ it really be enough? For how long? What was he offering Die in return? Besides, Die wasn’t wrong with what he’d said before. Kyo _was_ a sexual person, and at some point wouldn’t it get in the way that he _wanted_ more than he could get from this? He already trusted Die, and it wasn’t that he didn’t want him. _God_ , he wanted him, even just sitting here, he wanted Die probably more than he wanted his next breath.

Honestly, Kyo didn’t even know fully what he would _do_ with Die, if he actually _got_ him, but it didn’t stop him from wanting. He wanted his mouth on him, placing tiny scorching kisses across his collarbone and down his chest. He wanted to be vulnerable with Die, to open himself up to him, _give_ himself up. He wanted Die over him, around him, inside him, pulling him apart and stitching him back together with every touch…

Kyo gave a small involuntary shudder and turned his attention back to Die, suddenly realizing that the guitarist was humming to himself, his eyes closed while his left hand moved deftly over some invisible frets. A crease was between his brows and Kyo just watched him for a while longer, trying to tell if he could recognize the tune he was humming.

Finally, he asked softly, “What’s that?”

Die sighed before he dropped his hands into his lap and opened his eyes. “Maybe nothing.”

Kyo frowned and raised his eyebrows.

“Did you ever have a song… and you could _hear_ it perfectly in your head, but when you tried to play it or sing it… the notes just didn’t sound the way you heard them?” Die asked. He shook his head. “Nothing is coming out right.”

“Build it up from the bottom,” Kyo suggested. “What do we have underneath?”

Die closed his eyes again, obviously hearing it in his mind first. He sang a little progression, what was happening in the bassline.

Kyo accepted the notes into his veins, and prompted Die to tell him the next layer. 

They continued this way, filling out the score, and Kyo absorbed each piece of it, letting himself know the notes intimately in how they stacked on top of each other, fed and bounced off each other. It got to where Die paused, looking frustrated again, and didn’t offer up anything else.

“What are we still missing?” Kyo asked, careful to keep his voice pitched low enough that it wouldn’t disturb the silent music still humming in the air between them.

Die started to sing a few notes but stopped and shook his head. He tried again and then let out a small noise of frustration. “See? I can hear it, but it doesn’t come out! Can’t—Can’t you hear it?” he asked quietly.

“Shhh,” Kyo said, closing his eyes. Taking a bit of a risk, he reached for Die’s hand and laced their fingers together. He took what they’d built up so far, breathed into it, and let it fill his mind before he opened his mouth and let the melody flow out.

Die’s fingers flexed against Kyo’s, holding his hand tighter. His voice joined Kyo’s and slowly grew in confidence until he was guiding Kyo through the line. 

After a while, Kyo dropped off the main melody line, offering up his own notes in companionship to Die’s, and when they unanimously reached the end, he opened his eyes and saw that Die was staring at him. Kyo smiled as he released Die’s hand. “Couldn’t let you get out of it without a harmony part.”

Die was still just staring, something Kyo couldn’t quite put a name to in his eyes. Did he feel it too then? That musical _connection_ that had so baffled Kyo months ago, leading him to recognize his feelings for Die in the first place?

Kyo wanted to ask Die what that look was, if he felt that bond with him, but he couldn’t think of a way to phrase it that didn’t sound desperate and perhaps unstable. Instead he just said, “So is that one for me to sing, or for you?”

Die smiled with half his mouth, finally breaking out of his trance. “I hadn’t thought about it. Why, were you inspired? Already thinking of lyrics to further express my music?”

“Always inspired with you,” Kyo muttered, before he could really stop himself. Once he realized what he’d said he coughed slightly and started to get up from the couch. “You’ve been drinking, you should probably sleep it off.”

Die watched him as he got up and got a pillow and blanket from the closet at one end of the room. “Guess you’re probably right,” he said. He finished off the glass of water Kyo had brought him and moved off the couch to help lay out the bedding on it. 

“You know where the bathroom is,” Kyo said. “There should be a spare toothbrush in the top drawer in there, if you want. Let me know if you need anything else, and just… try not to be sick on the tatami.”

Die laughed. “I’ll do my best. Thanks for letting me crash here.”

“You know you’re always welcome,” Kyo said, shrugging. “Goodnight, Die.”

* * *

 

Twenty minutes later found Kyo in bed staring up at the dark ceiling of his room, trying yet again to determine whether the friendship he had with Die could really be satisfying. Should he be trying to move _past_ Die, get over him? Or could this deeply bonded and comfortable companionship be fulfilling enough? 

Questions rolled around the basin of his brain without any actual answers making themselves known and Kyo gave it up as another night battling his consciousness. He’d closed his eyes and was just trying to will himself to drift off when there was a tentative knock at his bedroom door before it was pushed open and Die’s voice came softly in, “Kyo? Are you awake?”

Kyo pushed himself up on his elbows and opened one eye, though in the dark he still couldn’t see much besides the general shape of Die hovering near the door. “I guess I am. What did you need?”

“I can’t sleep,” Die said, and there was an odd quality to his voice that made Kyo think maybe he’d had more to drink than Kyo had initially judged. “Couch’s cold.”

“There should be more blankets in the closet in the living room, if you want.” Kyo squeezed his eyes shut, trying to visualize what shelf they were on. “If you look down and to your left—”

“Kyo, have you ever had sex with a guy?”

“Ha—excuse me?” Kyo opened both eyes then and saw that Die had moved closer to the foot of his bed.

“You haven’t, right? Wouldn’t you like to?” Die said, his voice low. “With me? I could teach you…”

Kyo was reasonably sure he must have drifted off to sleep faster than usual, though this was certainly unlike any dream he’d had before. The dim light filtering in through the curtains of his window was enough that he could just make out half of Die’s face in the dark, the intensity written there.

“I know you’ve thought about it; I have too,” Die said. “The couch is cold but we could keep your bed warm.”

The bed dipped as Die got onto the foot of it and Kyo felt his heart threatening to pound right through his ribs and burst out onto the covers. His voice was stuck in his throat, not that he had any idea what he’d say anyway.

“Come on, Kyo. You want me, don’t you?” Die slowly started crawling up the bed, and let out a breathy little laugh. “I mean, tell me if I’m out of line and I’ll—”

“You’re out of line,” Kyo said without hesitation.

Die froze, and Kyo could see in the low light that he looked like he’d been slapped. After sitting there stunned for a minute, he shuffled backwards and off the bed again, muttering apologies and running a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, I don’t… I just. Um. I’ll go.” He started towards the door.

Kyo put a hand over his eyes, squeezing them shut again as he said, “Fuck. Wait, Die, don’t… Don’t _leave_. Just… give me a minute.”

Die stopped, standing awkwardly halfway between the bed and the door, waiting.

Kyo sighed and pushed himself to sit up fully, resting his forearms on his knees. “All right, Die, here’s the thing. I care about you. I care about you enough to want to be honest with you, so that’s what I’m gonna try my best to do here.” He pulled a little at the sheet covering his legs, his other blankets pushed off to one side. “When I say you’re out of line, I don’t mean that you’re _wrong_.” He paused, flicked his eyes up to see Die’s reaction, but if there was one he couldn’t make it out in the dark. “I… I do want you, but not… As some kind of experimental learning-session conquest. I guess I’m selfish; I want us to be more than that. Besides, shit, Die, you’re _drunk_ , I’m not going to take advantage of you, christ.”

When Kyo tried to study Die’s face again, he was disturbed to find it looking even more miserable than before he’d explained himself. 

Die buried his face in his hands and gave a pathetic sort of moan, saying, “Fucking fuck, I’m a shit person. Oh my god, I’m a fucking terrible person. What the fuck is wrong with me??”

“Die?” Kyo said, trying not to let his voice betray how alarmed he was.

Die dragged his hands away from his face, looking extremely pained. “I owe you the same honesty you offered me. Um. I’m really… not that drunk.”

Kyo gave him a skeptical look.

Die shook his head. “I did go out drinking, but I didn’t leave because I was irritating people with my inebriation, like I know you thought.” He dropped into a crouch, resting his arms across his knees. “I left because I couldn’t stop thinking… about _you_. I realized I didn’t want to be around anyone else; I just wanted to see you, and so I came here.” He closed his eyes, the pained expression returning. “But I thought… if I was _drunk_ , I’d have a better chance of you inviting me to stay the night, and I wouldn’t have to go home. I could just stay here with you. So I played it up, when really I wasn’t even tipsy.”

Kyo’s eyes widened in surprise. “You pretended to be drunk so I’d let you stay… and then you came and tried to crawl into my bed?”

“Shit, fuck!” Die said, hiding his face in his arms, his voice coming out muffled. “That wasn’t my plan originally! But god, you’re right, that was manipulative and shitty and I don’t know what I was thinking. God, I’m so fucking sorry. I just… I wanted to be around you. And then out there, and you helped with my song, and I felt this, like… I don’t know how to explain it. It was almost spiritual, this _pull_ , tying me to you, and I thought…” He lifted his head as he trailed off. 

Kyo was quiet when Die finished talking. This wasn’t anything like how he’d expected his evening to go. “You came over here like this… and you weren’t even drunk?” he asked again.

“I had a couple drinks,” Die said. “Enough to give me the courage to come by, but not enough to impair my judgment. That’s all just on me and my shitty self.”

“I gave you crackers and everything,” Kyo said.

Die snorted, his face an odd combination of things as he looked unsure whether he should be laughing or not. “I appreciated them. I know I have a tendency to forget to eat as much as I should.”

Kyo pursed his lips thoughtfully, picking again at his bed sheet. Finally he patted the bed next to him. “Come up here, Die.”

Die hesitated, but got up and sat himself down on the bed, a fair distance from Kyo.

“You’re right that what you did was manipulative and deceptive and… just kind of not okay, generally speaking,” Kyo said. “I’m really glad you were honest with me about it in the end.”

“I really don’t know what I thought would happen,” Die mumbled. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s good,” Kyo said. He paused again before reaching his hand out to lace his fingers with Die’s. “I think… Maybe we could try just taking things slow?”

Die looked at him with wide eyes. “Taking things slow? You mean, you’re not sending me away? Forever?”

Kyo shook his head. “I’m glad we can talk about this stuff. Besides, if you weren’t up to some shady shit trying to fake-drunk your way into my bed, who knows how long it would have been before I could tell you I have feelings for you?”

Die almost smiled, the ghost of it lurking around the corners of his mouth. “So something good came of it?”

“This time,” Kyo said. “It had better not happen again, though.”

“No, god,” Die said. “The straightforward approach seems much more efficient.”

Kyo gave Die’s hand a little tug and he crawled towards him, tentatively leaning in for the most careful of kisses. “Let’s get some sleep,” Kyo said. “My bed is still warmer than the couch.”

Die nodded gratefully, and wiggled his way under the covers, pausing before he scooted up against Kyo, wrapping an arm around the vocalist as he lay down, and nuzzling into his hair.

The room went quiet but for their slow and steady breathing and in time, Kyo fell asleep, balanced with Die’s support from spiraling into his nightly self-doubt symphony. This was enough for now, and they could find what more might come of it together. The sun would rise on a new day, one where Kyo was in love and the person he loved _returned_ his feelings, and how rare and beautiful a thing was that?


End file.
